Fionn Rogan awoke at 7.45am and wrote in his journal, “Isn’t it amazing how absolutely everyone wakes up at 7.45am??”
Immensely satisfied with his contribution to English literature, Rogan went downstairs to brew a cup of coffee, musing that he was currently sharing an experience with all 6.3 million inhabitants of the island of Ireland.
Just as he was to pour out a bowl of Shreddies, the breakfast food that honestly everyone eats, he noticed a strange black obelisk standing in his back garden.
“I wonder why absolutely every garden in Ireland currently contains a strange giant black obelisk?” Fionn wondered aloud. He decided, as no doubt every single other person in the state did at exactly the same time, to check it out.
As Fionn walked closer to the obelisk he felt the air hum with a strange vibration. “It’s odd that this hugely strange and unique set of circumstances are happening to literally everyone in Ireland right now,” he thought to himself.
As he pushed closer to the obelisk, the humming became all-consuming, blotting out every sense until Fionn placed one hand on the cold stone. Then, for an instant, it vanished, before Rogan was catapulted into a kaleidoscope of colour and sound, barrelling through space and time. “This is just like 2001: A Space Odyssey, everyone’s favourite film,” Rogan thought before being swept away in the sensory onslaught.
As he was imbued with secret knowledges of the universe, perceiving things that no human being had ever seen before, he felt his body reshape and transform. He placed his thumb in his newly childlike mouth and his enlarged head was filled with piercing insight.
Just as he started to emerge into whatever new world he was destined for, he had one final thought, one parting gift tying him to all men. “We’ve all been infantilised by conditions beyond our control,” the starchild emoted.